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Humor Submitted
by Subscribers
From Maria:
Virus Information
The Dick Cheney Virus is so old it only works in DOS.
The Supreme Court Virus won't let you use the letters G, O or D
on the keyboard.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus causes your computer to count and recount over
and over again.
The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of
an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it
is stored.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100
Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves,
but will be back.
AND THE SCARIEST VIRUS IS...
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a
3.5-inch floppy...then discards it through Windows.
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From Frankie boy from the frigid Northeast:
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From IKARA:
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From Henry:
Click here to
download an exe file that turns your monitor display upside
down...pretty funny.
NOTE: Some of the more "purist" AV
scans will detect these types of joke files as "viruses" (Trend Micro's
House Call, for example)...but if you look at the description it gives
you, you will see it labels it as a "joke file". It it NOT a
virus. I assure you this file is clean.
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Walking text
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Red Neck Palm Pilot
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Number One Reason To Buy the Warranty:
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From Doug:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any
Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where
the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to
fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and
washing them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He
told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face
the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked,
"What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in
the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to
put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1
first.
10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did
you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the
drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window
and his printer is working fine."
12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
written and submitted by Gary Bonner:
A man who loved his
computer
took it with him while he rode on his scooter
he took a great risk
and
crashed with his disk
he now has Microsoft Dos up his pooter :-)
From Mike:
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